She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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