How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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