Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
