when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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