I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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