I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
