girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
