I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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