the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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