when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
