your parents love me but you hate me
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
