FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
