I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
