of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
