Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
