i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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