The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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