Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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