i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
