I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
