I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
