Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
