dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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