There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
