smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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