Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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