Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
