This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
