Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
two words: eviction party
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
