how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
