sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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