I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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