so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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