The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
