Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
