He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
