i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm like, not good at living.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
