I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
