I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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