If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
