Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
