the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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