is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
