guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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