I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
