Soap is not a condiment
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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