Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
