No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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