My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
