I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
